15 November 2010

Roadblocks are important too...

I've had this post sitting on my blogger for days that I can't quite finish for some reason... I thought it time to break this silence I've been in and just lay out some facts ad maybe it will help with the completion of the post. Crazy mental roadblocks.

I'm currently sans laptop at the moment so I'm writing this post on my phone. Please forgive typos or missing words.

Two weeks ago we had appoitments on two back to back Mondays with Docs in Houston at Texas Children's Clinic. Dr. Ken Moise and his wife Karen Moise,R.N. and their staff were amazing people to meet and to be cared by. In the end we sadly were not eligible for the TTTS laser surgery (www.fetal.texaschildrens.org). After the first appt. Dr. Moise was fairly sure that we did not have TTTS but rather Selective Intrauteine Growth Restriction (SGR). He confirmed it at the second appt. Between the two appt we were asked to consider selective reduction, basically a kinder way to say abort one child. There are a lot of risks when dealing with SGR and possible TTTS cases bec. if the donor child dies while in the womb, the connections that the baby has with the sibling can be a path for harm. We were given a 10% chance of life for our Baby A. It was a hard blow to our spirits, which had been nothing but hopeful until he said those words. After our second appt though he raised that percentage to 15 bec. he was pleased with the amount of movement that Baby A was doing. To explain SGR is to use the analogy of a graham cracker; four quadrants that hopefully would split two and two but sometimes breaks one and three. It's a strange genetic anomaly that we sadly didn't cause or could change if we had the chance to do again.

With all this information we spent the week between the two appointments praying, resting, weeping, and contemplating what the next months might hold. It was a tough week thinking about the moral complexaties of the situation and what justices/injustices we would be judged by. What would people would think of us if we did SR? What if we didn't? How do you tell a child that we chose to remove their twin so that they could live. I, personally, wouldn't be able to just look at the child knowing what I had chosen. So many thoughts and emotions but ultimately we decided that SR would not be somthing we would entertain. We would give God our 10% and allow Him to work with it they way He works in all of our lives, graciously. Medical intervention for removal of the still alive baby was not going to happen. Now, to preface, this is what my wife and I have chosen and are not trying to pass any judgement or the likes on anyone else. PSA over.

After our last appointment with the team, we drove home somewhat thankful we weren't having the surgery. We were told that having the surgery could essentially take away chances for Baby A to survive bec. we would be removing possible good connections that it does have. So in a strange way, it was a change of blessings bec. we went to Houston. We walked away praying for something else that was totally different; hope, not of human hands, but hope from the only One that ultimately has the only say in these things.

We came home with a strange renewal with the situation at hand and with that new outlook for our time with our babies. Whether we get to hold our babies or not, we were ultimately touched by their lives in a huge way. We would enjoy them all that we could. We decided that we needed to know the gender of the twins so we called and found out that our blessings were made of cinnamon and spice and everything nice.

Indentical girls.

We needed to pray for them by name and though we were still unsure of what those were to be we felt one step closer in a bond with them and that's exactly what we wanted.

So we continue this journey one step at a time. It's been hard being back on the road, not knowing what the weeks ahead will hold. I had been given the opportunity to take the tour off but too many things were happening to try and find a replacement in such a short time. It was a bittersweet call to come back out. Bethany and I spent the night before I left weeping, confessing to each other our feelings of if we were apart something bad would happen but if we were together everything would be ok. We are stronger together but God still holds the timeline, we just are there to hold each other up when those tough hours strike.

Thank you to all of you who are praying. We really are honored and blessed by them all. It's the only way we are not losing our heads... a peace beyond all understanding. For those that want to say that 'everything will be just fine' we appreciate that outlook but we also want to be realistic about things. We don't know the outcome and the situations at hand don't deem for 'fine' so we ask you to pray for us to continue to see God as the Holy and Just God that He is, for turning our backs to Him and screaming 'why!?' would be easier to do than give Him glory through these spirit breaking times.

He is worthy of praise through restoring rains and through fiery floods.

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